‘What can I do for you, Officers?’ Lundquist asked. ‘You are under arrest,’ I said. ‘For aiding and abetting the murderer of Trish Donolan, and helping hide the murder weapon.’ ‘You’ve gotta be kidding.’ said Lundquist. ‘The Commander has forgotten to mention my outstanding Federal warrants.’ Special Agent Muscone said. ‘Seems you’ve had an active career in Florida.’ ‘But aiding and abetting murder? Are you out of your tree?’ said Lundquist, pretending uncomprehending shock. I could tell in his eyes that he was busted and he knew it, though. ‘Not at all.’ I said. ‘Pretending the master key was stolen was my first clue in your direction. You were the only one who could’ve manipulated the camera and the tapes so that you weren’t seen going to the janitor closet and securing the plastic bag full of Tyvex suit and the murder weapon. Then you threw it back above the ceiling tiles later that night.’ ‘Hell, you can’t prove a word of that.’ Lundquist bluffed. ‘Yet I was able to get a. “But–” “Butt–” “Sheila, don’t be a dumbass. I’m saying–” “Why not ‘don’t be an asshole’?” “Oh ha-ha-ha,” he said, tiring of me. “Why not, we have a theme going here!” I added poutily. “Honey, I would want you to experience how great it can be–” “Fucking in the ass?” I cued. “Yes darling, how great getting fucked in the ass can be. But you need a knowledgeable partner for that. You need to be prepared, mentally, physically–” “Oh Jesus, spare me Matthew. You just want to make sodomy another piece of arcana that gay boys can have a monopoly on. You taught me how to shop American Apparel,” I said appreciatively. “You could teach me how to do anal.” He was quiet for a moment or two, then said, “Hey look, I mean, what do I look like here?” Meaning, who knows what? “Are you seriously telling me,” I went on, “that here I am, your bestest Fag Hag and Straight Girl In Need of Guidance, and I’m inviting you to help makeover my life so that I can become a certifiable Anal Slut, and you are not.
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